Life with 4

Life with 4... wow. 

I wanted to write about Ava’s Birth, but four months later, it all seems like a blur and I find it difficult to even remember the details.

Someone asked me the other day, “How are you?! How’s the baby?! Is she sleeping through the night?!?”

My answer was “We are all good!!! I’m not sure if we are sleeping. I really have no idea. But we are good!” And that’s the truth. I have no idea if Ava sleeps through the night because I’m so damn exhausted myself, that even if she does wake up in the middle of the night and I take care of her, I’m running on auto pilot and can’t remember the next morning.

Life with 4... Well, a typical day consists of Weston coming into my bed at 2 am. He insists on kicking me every 2 minutes. Around 3 am, Ava eats, I think. I pretty much cluster feed her in bed from 3 am-6 am. By 6 am, Greyson is awake. So by 6 am, I have 3 out of 4 kids awake and roaring for food. I get them downstairs and shuffle the cereal chaos. Who wants what with what kind of milk and what color spoon. 🙄 

Greyson turns on Nintendo switch by 6:01 am, which is obnoxious AF but I’m slightly relieved he is so busy with that so he doesn’t feel my stress. 

Weston is literally 2 inches away from me at all times. It’s exhausting. And Ava is in a bassinet somewhere. 

I get everyone ready for school and then last I get Kate at 7 am. Y’all... I get 3 humans ready for the day and then myself all in an hour. Hello, I should win an award.

Once kids are at school, it’s my turn to go to work. Work is my happy place. Work is my sense of identity. Work is my outlet and my reminder of what I was put on this earth to do. I don’t work for money. I work for passion of education. I have my babies at my fingertips at my work, so truly I have the best of it all.

Once I’m home, usually around 5:30, I get everyone dinner and I get to the gym from 6:30-8. Then it’s bedtime.

My day is literally nonstop. Sometimes I’m not sure how I function. 

My house is a disaster, which kills me because I am somewhat OCD about organization and clutter. I can’t stand either. Yet, I find myself not caring more and more because what’s the point of cleaning when in 2 minutes it’ll be a mess again? See below: toy cleaning and organization. 

My oldest, Greyson, he’s a good kid. He tries to keep to himself and entertain himself. I feel guilty not really being able to provide him with the 1:1 attention like I used to. I miss those days of just him and I... he was my best friend and he and I got through many nights and days alone when Dad was deployed. 

Then there is Weston... I’m confident he is on the autism spectrum. It could just be a slowly developing 3 year old, but my Mommy intuition knows better. He has been evaluated but he does meet the criteria for typically developing in academic skills, but yet something is still not right. He struggles immensely with social skills, sensory integration, communication skills, and motor skills. Bobby and I literally exhaust ourselves parenting him everyday, but his challenges he faces daily are so difficult and he just doesn’t understand things the way other 3 year olds do. He go s to play therapy once a week, which has been incredible. His teachers exhaust themselves daily too, working as hard as they can to connect with him. Without the village, we wouldn’t survive. I love that little boy so much, and that is why we put so much into parenting him, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was mentally and emotionally exhausting. 

Then Katelyn. She’s just a joy to parent. I wish I had more time to spend with her just her and I. She’s funny and smart and she is excited by the world. She’s the kinda kid that brings the party wherever she goes. She’ll cause me a lot of trouble later in life, I’m sure.

And lastly Ava... Sweet Ava. She just kinda goes along with the ride. She has had a rough start to life and has gone through a lot in her first 4 months. At 4 weeks she was hospitalized with meningitis. It was incredibly terrifying. 2 lumbar punctures, IVs, more antibiotics than should ever be given to a little baby. She fought through it and then a few weeks later was diagnosed with pneumonia. I think that it really revamped my anxiety again. I sill take my Zoloft, but I’ve been a little more paranoid about certain things. It’s always a fine line, determining paranoia vs realistic caution. Oh well. Aside from a small breathing scare at School the other day, she’s doing well. She’s a happy and sweet little baby and she’s a trooper for handling the wrath of her siblings. 

And then lastly there is Nala. We lost Hannah almost a year ago and we got Nala a few months later. Nala and Hannah would have been best friends. They’re very much alike. Nala is a bit more stubborn than Hannah was, and a lot larger. Nala is great with the kids but again, she’s so big that accidents happen. If Nala turns around and bumps into Kate, kate falls down. Nala can’t help it. And Greyson is NOT a Dog person, which is really annoying. He cries and screams whenever Nala gets close to him. I’m trying to teach him compassion and such for animals, but I don’t really have patience for the drama. Nala loves walks but it’s so damn cold outside. She is probably so bored. She’s loving her rawhide though 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

But chaos aside, my babies are beautiful. They are difficult and exhausting and my life is so chaotic but it’s incredible to watch these little people grow into smart and thoughtful humans. 

Moral of the story... the struggle continues to be real, but I love every ounce of these crazy human beings and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m finding my new normal everyday. I am constantly seeking ways to feel like myself everyday... whether that be by doing my hair and makeup, dancing or singing, or just simply watching some good ol reality tv. I need to keep searching for myself and keep merging the new me and the old me to find the real me, ya know? 

And ps. I need a nanny.