The Effing F L U

It’s 10:15 pm on a Monday night. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Weston climbs into my bed with me. Every night he comes into my bed around 11 pm. I think it’s his own way of reconnecting and getting his one on one snuggle time with me. I don’t really mind it. Maybe I even kinda like it. I’ve co-slept with every baby and once they transition to their crib, a part of me is so relieved but yet so sad. So when he does crawl into my bed everyyyy singleeee nighhtttt, I push him to the middle of the bed, rub his sweet little head, and remember that this is a phase and it too shall pass. When it passes, it will be deeply missed. 

This phase of life is hard. It’s not because of the lack of sleep, or the tantrums, or the chaos. All of that is hard too, but what is really hard is literally keeping four tiny humans healthy and alive. As parents, we do everything in our power to ensure our babies are healthy and safe. We go to work ur prenatal doctor appointments, we spend way too much money on the top rated car seats, we rear face until they are 13 (jokes jokes). We anchor bookshelves, we lock cleaning supplies, we have 4 baby gates in a small little house. We may even spend $150 on a damn infant heart rate monitor to help prevent sids. We contemplate vaccinations, we weigh the pros and cons of flu shots, we debate nanny or daycare..... all because we HAVE TO keep them healthy and safe. 

But in reality, we have zero control of anything. Now, this could be my anxiety speaking or it could be real like talk, but in a blink of an eye, our babies can be swept away from us despite going above and beyond to ensure we’ve kept them safe. I’ve seen it happen far too often to people I love. Two of my close friends lost their daughters in literally the blink of an eye. These women are just like me - and in literally a mere few days, their children were unexpectedly taken from this world. A mother’s worst nightmare. A nightmare they have to relive every single day. 

**** Side note: Weston just got into my bed. It’s now 10:27 ****

So what does this all have to do with my blog post..

Well, this past week has been brutal for my family. It started last Sunday, 8 days ago. We went to my Mom and Dads for a late lunch and abruptly, I got incredibly sick with a stomach virus. I threw up in my brand new car on 95. Lovely. I had the following day off of work anyway and I did make a quick recovery, but it wasn’t long before Bobby got the bug and then following behind, Greyson and then Katelyn. By Friday, I was confident that the bug had run its course and it affected who it was going to affect and then it would be done. I had cleaned the house, done laundry, cleaned bathrooms, kept kids home from school, etc. I did everything I was supposed to do. We survived the stomach bug! ..... until last night when that nasty shit struck again. 

So Saturday came and it was a good day. I’ll write another blog post about LASIK soon and discussing my experience, but Sunday came. Yesterday. 

Weston started diarrhea. If you know Weston and his crippling fear of pooping, you know this is this kids worst nightmare. Greyson just looked off. Kate had more loose stool. Ava had a terribly runny nose. What the hell was going on? I deep cleaned, again. I really got down and dirty with the Lysol and Clorox. 

I just couldn’t get over my hunch about Greyson though. Something was off. I took his temperature and it only read 99.4 but I made Bobby take him to urgent care. He had a slight cough, but that is really all. That gut instinct is no joke though. So Bobby took him. He texted me frantically asking if Greyson had gotten the flu shot in the fall..

Shit... Did he? I did. I know the middle babies did. But did Greyson? The fall is a blur. I was dealing with Ava and meningitis and then rsv? Did he get the flu shot? I can’t remember.

And then Bobby texted me this.. 

The formal diagnosis of the Flu. My worst nightmare. My anxiety instantly peaked. Kids are dying from this. I did everything in my power to keep him safe and healthy, and I failed him. Not only that, I now exposed my infant with a shit immune system that definitely didn’t get the flu shot. 

Despite any effort, it was all wiped away and I had no control. 😑

Then my mind raced... 

“Work. Do I have enough leave? What if Ava gets it? Do I keep them all home? How do I get Tamiflu? I can’t miss work. It’s inspection season and I missed so much last week. I wonder if I caught this early enough that it won’t get bad? What is the difference between A and B and Swine Flu and H1N1? I should google. Oh god, I should not have googled. In 1918, half a million Americans died from the flu. What the hell. They hardly had daycare back then. How did all of those people die? What the hell is elderberry? Why do people of my Facebook only recommend homeopathic shit? If homeopathic stuff worked, the doctor would prescribe that and not Tamiflu. I should go to medical school. No, I should just get off of Facebook and google. Ugh. I am going to cluster feed Ava so help give her more immunity from my breastmilk. Oh I’ll order groceries online at Walmart and get popsicles, OJ, water bottles... what else?”

..... Yall that is 20 seconds in my brain. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And literally, not even an hour after Bobby got Greyson home, Weston began violently puking. And that lasted until 5 am. 

I see people’s posts on Facebook about how they miss blah blah blah and they have 1 kid or about how hard XYZ is.... I smirk. Most people have NO IDEA the insane amount of teamwork Bobby and I have to have to even survive a normal day, let alone a day or night when 2/4 of our kids are incredibly sick. 

Bobby was a champ last night though. He took care of the boys mostly so I could get a few hours of sleep before work today. I slept from 3-5:45 am and it was enough to get me through the day. 

I was also so blessed to have a dear friend Ebony give me her Tamiflu she didn’t use since the county and surrounding counties are all out of the antiviral. Grey was able to start it ASAP today. I’m glad he did too because his fever is at 99.7 Still and although he is lethargic and coughing, I think it could be worse. Ebony, thank you. You’re amazing. You saved my guy.

So despite literally doing everything, my power was taken away and my babes got sick. Now we just have to diligently love them, clean, and keep them hydrated and taken care of while they fight these nasty germs. 

Stay safe, friends... Wash your hands. Stay home if you’re sick. Not everyone has a strong immune system to fight the flu, and it’s so scary. 

Please keep my guy in your thoughts 🤗 And cheers to my Zoloft for never failing me 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 

Life with 4

Life with 4... wow. 

I wanted to write about Ava’s Birth, but four months later, it all seems like a blur and I find it difficult to even remember the details.

Someone asked me the other day, “How are you?! How’s the baby?! Is she sleeping through the night?!?”

My answer was “We are all good!!! I’m not sure if we are sleeping. I really have no idea. But we are good!” And that’s the truth. I have no idea if Ava sleeps through the night because I’m so damn exhausted myself, that even if she does wake up in the middle of the night and I take care of her, I’m running on auto pilot and can’t remember the next morning.

Life with 4... Well, a typical day consists of Weston coming into my bed at 2 am. He insists on kicking me every 2 minutes. Around 3 am, Ava eats, I think. I pretty much cluster feed her in bed from 3 am-6 am. By 6 am, Greyson is awake. So by 6 am, I have 3 out of 4 kids awake and roaring for food. I get them downstairs and shuffle the cereal chaos. Who wants what with what kind of milk and what color spoon. 🙄 

Greyson turns on Nintendo switch by 6:01 am, which is obnoxious AF but I’m slightly relieved he is so busy with that so he doesn’t feel my stress. 

Weston is literally 2 inches away from me at all times. It’s exhausting. And Ava is in a bassinet somewhere. 

I get everyone ready for school and then last I get Kate at 7 am. Y’all... I get 3 humans ready for the day and then myself all in an hour. Hello, I should win an award.

Once kids are at school, it’s my turn to go to work. Work is my happy place. Work is my sense of identity. Work is my outlet and my reminder of what I was put on this earth to do. I don’t work for money. I work for passion of education. I have my babies at my fingertips at my work, so truly I have the best of it all.

Once I’m home, usually around 5:30, I get everyone dinner and I get to the gym from 6:30-8. Then it’s bedtime.

My day is literally nonstop. Sometimes I’m not sure how I function. 

My house is a disaster, which kills me because I am somewhat OCD about organization and clutter. I can’t stand either. Yet, I find myself not caring more and more because what’s the point of cleaning when in 2 minutes it’ll be a mess again? See below: toy cleaning and organization. 

My oldest, Greyson, he’s a good kid. He tries to keep to himself and entertain himself. I feel guilty not really being able to provide him with the 1:1 attention like I used to. I miss those days of just him and I... he was my best friend and he and I got through many nights and days alone when Dad was deployed. 

Then there is Weston... I’m confident he is on the autism spectrum. It could just be a slowly developing 3 year old, but my Mommy intuition knows better. He has been evaluated but he does meet the criteria for typically developing in academic skills, but yet something is still not right. He struggles immensely with social skills, sensory integration, communication skills, and motor skills. Bobby and I literally exhaust ourselves parenting him everyday, but his challenges he faces daily are so difficult and he just doesn’t understand things the way other 3 year olds do. He go s to play therapy once a week, which has been incredible. His teachers exhaust themselves daily too, working as hard as they can to connect with him. Without the village, we wouldn’t survive. I love that little boy so much, and that is why we put so much into parenting him, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was mentally and emotionally exhausting. 

Then Katelyn. She’s just a joy to parent. I wish I had more time to spend with her just her and I. She’s funny and smart and she is excited by the world. She’s the kinda kid that brings the party wherever she goes. She’ll cause me a lot of trouble later in life, I’m sure.

And lastly Ava... Sweet Ava. She just kinda goes along with the ride. She has had a rough start to life and has gone through a lot in her first 4 months. At 4 weeks she was hospitalized with meningitis. It was incredibly terrifying. 2 lumbar punctures, IVs, more antibiotics than should ever be given to a little baby. She fought through it and then a few weeks later was diagnosed with pneumonia. I think that it really revamped my anxiety again. I sill take my Zoloft, but I’ve been a little more paranoid about certain things. It’s always a fine line, determining paranoia vs realistic caution. Oh well. Aside from a small breathing scare at School the other day, she’s doing well. She’s a happy and sweet little baby and she’s a trooper for handling the wrath of her siblings. 

And then lastly there is Nala. We lost Hannah almost a year ago and we got Nala a few months later. Nala and Hannah would have been best friends. They’re very much alike. Nala is a bit more stubborn than Hannah was, and a lot larger. Nala is great with the kids but again, she’s so big that accidents happen. If Nala turns around and bumps into Kate, kate falls down. Nala can’t help it. And Greyson is NOT a Dog person, which is really annoying. He cries and screams whenever Nala gets close to him. I’m trying to teach him compassion and such for animals, but I don’t really have patience for the drama. Nala loves walks but it’s so damn cold outside. She is probably so bored. She’s loving her rawhide though 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

But chaos aside, my babies are beautiful. They are difficult and exhausting and my life is so chaotic but it’s incredible to watch these little people grow into smart and thoughtful humans. 

Moral of the story... the struggle continues to be real, but I love every ounce of these crazy human beings and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m finding my new normal everyday. I am constantly seeking ways to feel like myself everyday... whether that be by doing my hair and makeup, dancing or singing, or just simply watching some good ol reality tv. I need to keep searching for myself and keep merging the new me and the old me to find the real me, ya know? 

And ps. I need a nanny.